A PART OF ME DIED TODAY/

Yesterday, a friend of mine died. Actually, she jumped off the side of a building. Though we weren’t close, I find myself deeply affected by what she’s done. Actually, anyone who has heard her tale gets very sad. She was a promising account executive. At 25, she was only really starting out her career… and her adult life.

She gave up too soon.

We probably all have our self-destructive tendencies. I remember a period of time when things didn’t go my way, I would pray to God to take me. I was probably 3 yrs. old then. Of course adolescence did nothing but heighten that way of thinking. Sometimes, a snide comment would be enough to get me thinking of slashing my wrists. I would fantasize about death, romanticizing how people who have hurt me would regret it when they saw my pale face encased in a coffin.

Pathetic, but very true.

The closest I’ve gotten to pushing through with suicide was taking 7 valiums in one night. But even then, all I really wanted was to sleep for days. I can’t fathom what would push someone to take it all the way. What made her take that fatal leap from all that she held dear into an abyss where there was no hope and no turning back.

It’s not an easy decision to kill your self.

She had to try twice before getting it right. The spooky thing is that she tried in different occasions, but on the same ledge and on the same fucking building. It’s almost as if, she was just buying time. As if she had already decided to die and was just summing up enough hurt and momentum to push her off. There really was no turning back for her. She was resolved because not only did she jump off the roof deck, but she chose an opportune place to land… right on top of the building’s generator.

I am in deep awe of those people who were courageous enough to try and identify her remains. I can’t imagine what it would’ve been like to go see a good friend in that state. How do you remember how she laughed or the mischievous twinkle in her eyes without that image of her battered body teetering close by?

When I went to her wake, I wanted to shake her and tell her how stupid she was. (I’m sorry, but that’s what I felt.) In committing suicide, you turn your back on the faith that things can be better. I realized that in committing suicide, you don’t just kill yourself. You kill the part of you that is in everyone else. You force them to negate all those good times you shared, because you yourself did not hold on to see a better day with them.

I pray that you have found the peace you were looking for, my friend. A part of me died with you today. Hopefully, it’s the part that considered death as a way out.