ANO BA TALAGA?!/

What's going on? I've been in NC for two months now and still it hasn't happened. What is "it"? I don't really know, but I'm hoping it's a rock that will knock me off this course I'm on. Something hard and unexpected that will just blow me away. So far, it's been a peaceful trip.

I'm on the highway of destiny and I feel like roadkill waiting to happen.

I can't say it hasn't been fun. I love sitting here in front of Bella (yup, that's what my beautiful mac is called. Bella Maldita dahil maganda pero may bitch factor siya) and just furthering every little curiosity that comes to my head. I've been reading up on everything from lucid dreaming to hippies to relativity. I must say that relativity is beyond me, but maybe I'll get it in another century. I must've watched 50 movies by now. I've watched classics, foreign films, blockbusters and B movies. All of them give me a clue as to what to do, but this little itsy bitsy pieces just don't make up a big picture.

I can't be sad because in my own way I know I've accomplished so much already. I've managed to rid myself of a lot of nasty habits. I think I've finally ended my dependence on certain things, certain people and certain behavioral crutches. I've also been trying (emphasis on trying) my best to open up to God's word. I never realized how controlling I actually was until I had to just let go. It's a very frightening experience to look ahead and not know where to go. It's a great thing that there's always a sky to look up to.

It's hard living for yourself. Unlike other people, I was born fortunate enough not to have to support anybody else. Unfortunately, I've also developed no enduring passion that just consumes me and dictates my next move. I simply am. Maybe I'm still waiting for something to just grab me. I'll always remember that quote from Dawson's Creek that goes something like, "You don't choose what you love, it chooses you". How I would like to believe that, but the past two months have revealed so many loves. They all grab at me equally, leaving me no choice but to choose.

Here comes another quote, this one I heard from church... "Love is a choice". It's a simple verse with heavy consequence. The impact of decision should hold more sway than emotion. We always will feel strongly about one thing or another. I once wanted to be a film director and study at NYU so very badly. Not too long ago, I dreamed of being a flight attendant. More recently, I fantasized of being a Filipino Oprah! So many roads with only one heart to follow it through.

Ano ba talaga!?

Ultimately, you love what you choose to love.
It's the decisions we make that will matter in the end.
For me this means, if there is no sign of an incoming rock, it might just be time to start pounding your head over some boulder.